Tag Archives: Patrician dreams.

It’s official. I’m not a hipster.

11 Mar

First of all, I’m fat, so that probably disqualifies me right off the bat.

I also realized this week that I don’t want to knit (or crochet) and I don’t want to grow my own food, engage in composting, or do canning. These are all very worthy pursuits, and made a lot of sense back in the good old days (q.v. Victorian Farm) and probably still do if you live out in the wilderness and have to do all of this stuff to get by. I, however, live in a city in the 21st century and have firmly decided that I prefer decorative needle work (fancy needlepoint) and decorative gardening (pretty roses) to homespun crafts and turnips (I hate turnips).

I made the miscalculation of dropping in to a needlry workshop at my local library today and it was like something out of Portlandia (which I’ve only seen one clip of, but I know these people, so I don’t know that I have to see the show). Very enthusiastic about crocheting. Very eager to get me to go buy a crochet hook and yarn so I, too, can start crocheting. There are no babies in my life in need of blankets. I have a perfectly good duvet cover (that I bought at Savers for $4 in about five minutes). I have a lovely machine-knitted cashmere scarf that I bought at TJ Maxx about twelve years ago that is nicer than anything I could ever make. I don’t need anything knitted or crocheted and I would just make a mess (plus I have a friend who is an accomplished knitter who gives me lovely handmade gifts for Christmas and my birthday every year).

And you know what? I can just go to the g.d. Farmer’s Market and have some self-righteous Harvard grad dig up a bunch of carrots for me or snip off a couple of tomatoes. I’m growing roses this year, so screw you all, hippies, I’m going patrician!

Here’s what my sad garden looks like by night photography. I’m planning to paint the fence a lovely greeny-bluey color called something like Kerry Skye Blue Terrier by Martha Stewart (at Home Depot). No, I’m not going to harvest sustainable local gemstones and then grind them into a pigment and mix them with flax seed oil to create my own paint. I’m going to the freakin’ Depot and buying some paint. So there!!!!

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