One more reason to scorn Bank of America and have a little fun at the same time

17 Jan

Like so many People of America, I despise Bank of America. I used to have my sub-prime mortgage with Countrywide and I was perfectly happy with them. Then the BoAxis of Evil took over Countrywide and my mortgage. Now that I have a new full-time job and visible means of supporting myself (PTL!!!!), I’m hoping to be able to get a new and improved mortgage at a local bank — this year!

In the meantime, I have to grimace and bear it every time I send in my mortgage payment. Ok, I admit it — sometimes those payments are late. But I always wrangle up the money somehow and they’ve had me in their debt for five years now. When I’m late, the folks at BoA call to remind me of that fact — about ten minutes after the payment deadline. Don’t they have anything better to do? Like feed the flying monkeys or something?

Anyway, before they can get to the dunning portion of the phone call, they always ask me to “verify” the property address that they’re calling about. “Go right ahead and tell me the address,” I say, “and I’ll be happy to verify it for you.”

“No,” they respond, “you have to tell us the property address.”

“But that’s not what you asked me to do,” I say as sweetly as possibly. “You asked me to verify the address. So just tell me my address and I will verify if you have the right one.” I realize it is not the person on the other end of the line who chose to use this word incorrectly. The person on the other end of the line is just another poor slob like me trying to make ends meet. Still…

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” the confused person says.

“Then how can I possibly verify it for you?” I ask.

“Can you just verify your address please,” she or he asks again.

“Go right ahead and tell me the address you have and I will verify it,” I respond, yet again, impersonating Kafka. “Or if you could just tell me what the call is about [I know perfectly well what it’s about, I just don’t know why the hell they can’t just come right out with it instead of this kabuki verification baloney], that would be great.”

“I’m sorry I can’t tell you that without the address verification,” the person says. “But I can give you our phone number.”

“But you called me,” say I, “I didn’t want to talk to you, you wanted to talk to me. Why would I need your phone number?”

And then we all hang up and have a nice few hours of rest before they start calling again. I’m so glad my late payments are keeping folks employed, but I do wish BoA would hire someone who knows a bit more English to write their scripts. Filthy usurers!

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